**Disclaimer** Before I share with you what it was like taking MDMA with my fiancé, I just want to put out a disclaimer to always consult your medical professional before taking any type of drug and to remind you that everyone’s experience is unique to them which means my experience may or may not be the same as yours. Please take my experience with a grain of salt.**
A year ago, I heard from a friend of a friend’s that MDMA (Molly) is a heart opener type of 'medicine' and that it’s a fantastic tool for couples to deepen their relationship and communicate in ways they would not be able to if they were sober.
Since then, it has always been on my mind to try Molly with my fiancé, Roger exactly for those intentions that I listed above. A good friend and shaman of ours gave it to us while visiting and we intentionally set Friday night of Memorial weekend as our date, knowing in advance that it would take some time for us to recover from the experience.
Just for you to have some context about our experience with psychedelics before I continue with this Molly experience. My fiancé has done Molly once before in a bar/party setting. He described it as euphoric in the moment but the comedown from the drug is like an intense hangover the next day.
I, however have never done Molly before nor have I ever done any type of manufactured drug such as cocaine. In terms of plant medicine and psychedelics though, as a couple, we have been through an Ayahuasca, San Pedro, and magic mushrooms trip together. All of those experiences led by a shamanic healer in a ceremonial setting.
The Power of Intention
I’m a strong believer that when working with any type of 'medicine' to always come at it with an intention. This gives your experience a purpose and it also keeps you grounded in why you decided to take the 'drug' in the first place. And yes, that includes setting an intention when taking Molly.
Our intention as a couple, was to deepen our relationship as we move into the next stage of our relationship together. This year we are getting married in November, we just bought our second home together as an investment property and there were a lot of opportunities and doors opening for us that we needed to explore and talk about.
In fact, our shaman instructed us to each write down all the things we wanted to discuss and talk about during the Molly experience. We even printed out a money talk worksheet from one of my clients on what our finances would look like after we get married.
Setting & Environment
With any kind of substance that you’ll be under the influence, it’s important that you’re in an environment that makes you feel safe and supported. I’ve never taken Molly in a rave/party setting so I have no idea what that may even feel like, but for our intentions of going deeper and more vulnerable in our relationship, we felt it was important that we set up a comfortable ceremonial space in our home. We made sure to smudge our entire home, we lit incense, dimmed the lights as we heard MDMA makes one sensitive to lights. We lit our fair share of candles and we even put some blankets and pillows on the floor. On top of that I brought out some grounding crystals, we had our questions at bay and we had plenty of water, gatorade by our side in case we needed it. Molly is a huge heart opener so it’s important that you’re mindful of the type of ambiance you are in. Again, we are asking one another to be at our most vulnerable state, and it’s important we create the space for that vulnerability to be held gently.
Our Experience
We took our medicine around 7pm. Prior to consuming our share of Molly, we made sure to energetically cleanse ourselves with sage and our environment. Then, we sat on the ground facing each other, and said our intentions.
While we were waiting for it to kick in, we pulled mindfulness cards from one of my card decks and started chatting.
30 minutes into the experience, we both started to feel discomfort. I had this strong sensation of throwing up. And I remember my fiancé saying the same thing. I felt really heavy and that the Molly was kicking in incredibly strong.
My fiancé immediately texted our shaman in which he gave us a call to check on us. The next thing I remember is him asking us to turn on a soundtrack of healing music, he then asked us to lay down while he guided us through a meditation over the phone. As I felt my body touch the ground and the sound of his voice, I immediately felt better and relaxed. I remember feeling a lot of love and held by the Universe.
My fiancé on the other hand during the meditation started breathing really hard. If you’ve ever done holotropic breathing or breathwork, it was exactly that type of breathing in which he was naturally doing.
I remember turning my head over to see how he was doing and while he was breathing heavily; told me that he needed to release something in his body. In that moment, what I intuitively felt was that I needed to hold space for him. Our shaman instructed me to open up his heart chakra by gently tracing a circle around his heart area. By this time I was sitting up now; alert. Still under the influence of Molly but feeling like I was stepping into the role of a guide and healer.
Our dog Fergie started to get scared, as she is more attached to my fiancé and seeing him in this state was uncomfortable for her. She saw me move circles around his heart and she placed her paw on his heart.
My fiancé started to energetically release by first making sighing, then grunting noises. Meanwhile, both of his hands were in front of him and he started to vigorously shake them. He was sharing with us that he felt something inside of him leave his body through his fingertips. I remember our shaman asking me how I was doing in which I responded that I was fine. Truthfully in the moment I probably was fine, but what I also remember was that I immediately surrounded myself with a bubble of golden white light almost instinctually as I could feel that my fiancé was releasing energy that was not a part of his true nature.
Then I remember my fiancé asking me to close all the windows in the house. In which I did, and that was when his full energetic release came out. For two hours, my fiancé was yelling and shaking his entire body. I could hear our shaman conduct some kind of energy work on the other line to help him, as he explained to both of us that what my fiancé was going through was deep ancestral trauma and the release he was having went back many generations.
This went on for about two hours. During these two hours, I remember laying next to my fiancé, holding space for him, checking on our dogs, and being in my golden white light bubble. Writing back on this experience I’m sure I was traumatized on some level, but in that moment, all I knew to do was to hold space for him to do his thing.
After two hours of releasing, my fiancé took a short break in which our shaman asked him to come out of the release. Apparently he could have released more but he felt that we still needed to have our moment to talk about the things we wrote down before we took Molly.
We hung up with our shaman and started talking about the things we had written down. Many of the things we both wrote down was what life after marriage would look like. How we would parent our kids, finances in our marriage, and how we would run our businesses when we have kids. We also talked about our investments, retirement and what the future held for us. My favorite part about our conversation is how I was able to be vulnerable with him about my thoughts on having kids and how it is incredibly important for me to still be working on me and my dreams while we have children.
We stayed up the rest of the night talking. We didn’t go to bed until six in the morning.
The Day After
My fiancé warned me that MDMA has the side effect of a downer the day after because if you think about the concept of polarity and Yin and Yang, what goes up must come down and vice versa. There’s no light without darkness and happiness won’t exist if we never experienced sadness.
And so the next day we felt terrible and I remember just drinking a lot of water and not doing anything except resting.
However, the part I did not expect was that for an entire week after our experience, (yes, that’s freakin 7 days!) I was unable to go to sleep. I would go to bed around 10:30pm only to wake up around 1:30am -2am in the morning. I’d lay in bed terrified, some days replaying visions of what I saw that night, and other nights, just not being able to sleep.
I’ve tried pretty much everything I could think of. I energetically cleaned our entire home, I meditated, I took melatonin, I sprayed lavender water on my face, I watched Youtube videos, I even just started working from 2am till 6am and then would be able to sleep from 6am to 8am only to wake up again.
On top of all of that, I felt not myself, I felt anxious and off about my mood. My fiancé surprisingly was 100% okay after two days but for seven days I basically ran on 2 hours of sleep each night and any sound I heard had me jump.
Lessons Learned
Do I regret this wildly profound experience I just went through that basically interrupted a week of my sleep and left me a bit traumatized seeing my fiancé basically expel whatever kind of pent up negative energy he had carried throughout his ancestral line?
Absolutely not.
Quite the contrary, I felt this experience was not at all what I expected or wanted, but everything I needed in order for me to ascend to the next level of my life’s mission.
Here’s why:
Lesson #1: Befriending darkness as much as light.
I was always afraid of the dark as a child. I remember one Halloween, a friend of mine begged me to go to this haunted house at our neighborhood mall and when I refused; she cried and being the people-person I was, I complied and went with her to the house. I must have only walked a few steps into the doorway when I became completely paralyzed by fear just by the sound of the music and the images I came up with in my imagination. I stood in that spot paralyzed and I was so terrified, they had to open up all the lights, everyone took off their masks and basically, they had to shut down the haunted house because of me.
The darkness terrified me, including people who did dark, malicious things. My 2nd year in business, I had a client threaten to sue me for reasons that made no sense to me. She doubled her investment working with me but when I celebrated her success, she panicked and called her lawyer.
Human beings are weird. When they are going through pain and suffering themselves, they will do anything to take you down with them either consciously or unconsciously. I have learned throughout the years to not take anything anyone does personally.
However, spiritual darkness is a whole new ballgame I was not familiar with. And this experience opened up portals that had me confront darkness that I cannot physically see but I was able to feel on every level of my being. They say Molly is a heart opener; well apparently I needed to learn how to open my heart up to the dark. Turns out, everything can be healed through unconditional love and what I have learned profoundly is that you can only truly move forward when you are able to embrace, accept and love the darkest parts of yourself.
Lesson #2: Expanding my capacity to hold more space for people who need my guidance
My fiancé and I just bought a second home after buying our first home less than a year ago. On top of that, we are planning a wedding, managing both of our teams and businesses, partaking in ‘drugs’ to expand our consciousness and Keeping Up With the Kardashians in the evenings. (It’s the final season of the show.. you can’t not watch it lol)
I’d say 90% of the world would call us bat-shit cray cray. While most of society is sipping on a beer, grilling meat and watching the game at nights; we’re building a fort to lay in with candles surrounding us, while we call upon the Divine to show us the way; so we could fulfill our life’s mission. How’s that for an average Friday night? If you’re in that 10% with us; holler at ya girl, cause you’re not alone.
Alright, but on a serious note, if watching and helping guide one’s fiancé through an exorcism isn’t expanding one’s capacity to hold more space for an individual, I don’t know what is.
And what I realized through this experience is that literally two weeks prior, we made a commitment to the Universe that we would be using our new home that we just bought, not only as an Airbnb rental, but to hold sacred spiritual ceremonies for people to heal and transform themselves.
I mean this is uncanny is it not!?!
How can I possibly understand someone else’s spiritual darkness if I don’t go through mine myself. I swear, the Universe is always giving us beautiful aligned lessons even when it doesn’t seem like it in the moment. Me in the midst of running on 2 hours of sleep, shaking my fists in the air saying, “Universe!! What are you trying to teach me!?!”
Lesson #3: Humbling myself and learning how to put up spiritual boundaries
Literally the day before our experience, I remember being in the car with my fiancé bragging about how I’ve become a true master at setting boundaries. If you met me five years ago, I was someone who didn’t know that the word ‘no’ existed, I was the ultimate people pleaser and doormat, and if I had to give my soul away so that someone else could be happy, I’d happily do it if it meant I’d be accepted.
Now? You couldn’t get me to stay past 9pm at your house if I didn’t want to. The word ‘no’ is something I use quite often. In fact, just a month ago, I told my mom that I would not go on a trip with her because I changed my mind, and deeply felt that this was an experience she had to experience herself. 22 year old Kristen would have been stunned. That’s probably why I’m not close to any of my childhood friends. I’ve changed so much, even my own parents don’t recognize me. This may sound rather brash, but setting boundaries and learning how to use the word “no” has been incredibly self-liberating and it has even inspired my parents and the people around me to live out their truth.
But here I am bragging again….I say all of this because what I’ve learned through my Molly experience was how SILLY I was to think I have mastered boundaries!! Turns out, I’m not a master at all, but still a student and always will be! My ancestors must have heard me bragging and decided to pull a wise prank on me; they introduced me to spiritual entities that I had to learn how to set firm boundaries with. For seven nights, I stayed up from 2am until 6am learning how to set spiritual boundaries. Boy, did this experience humble me. And if you’re reading this, remember that we will always be students of life. The moment you admit to being a “master” or an “expert” is when you stop learning. Even Kobe Bryant was humble off the court and that was what made him a true G.O.A.T.
Lesson #4: The Importance of Contemplation and Integration After Energy Work
Recently I learned what the word ‘contemplation’ was through the Gene Keys. In Richard Rudd’s words, “contemplation utilizes aspects of both meditation and concentration…contemplation involves a kind of cellular digestion. You take the object of your contemplation and you concentrate your whole being on it but without any effort or tension.”
I think the key word here is digestion. I didn’t realize the importance of digesting and integrating back into “normal life” after such a profound experience. And I’m not just talking about taking 5 HTP, Vitamin C and drinking lots of water the next day. If that what comes up on Google for you after taking Molly, I’m not saying they are wrong, all I’m saying is that if you’re using Molly for a therapeutic and transformative spiritual experience, you’ll need more than just 5 HTP afterwards.
You’ll need to contemplate your experience WITHOUT FORCE and integrate back slowly and gently; taking all the time you need to make your comeback.
What is integration?
Honestly, if you are someone reading this that is also on the path of awakening, integration is CRUCIAL. And it can’t be rushed. Integration is basically embodying and allowing your new level of wisdom, lessons, realizations to flow and do its thing without resistance.
For the first three sleepless nights, I laid in bed trying to make sense in my mind’s eye what everything meant. Trying to piece everything together with my logical mind only to realize that EMBODIMENT and CONTEMPLATION is the solution to all of my questions.
Here is what I did to integrate after our experience:
Sat in stillness
Journaled and brain dumped my thoughts
Spoke to friends who have gone through similar experiences (it’s unhealthy to suppress your emotions)
Took a bath with rosemary and rose petals
Cleansed our entire home with sage, incense and resin.
Cleansed my energy field with an egg
Allowed myself to rest, sit and play with anything that arises whether it’s good or bad.
Lesson #5: Deepening the Trust I Have In Myself, The Universe AND Moment to Moment Situations Presented To Me.
A mentor once told me that truly successful people have one thing in common. And that is FAITH. He compared a successful executive that has climbed up the corporate ladder to a world class leader, an entrepreneur. He said that trusting in oneself and your abilities is good, and it will get you to a certain level, but true FAITH is at a global consciousness level. It transcends beyond you and your own abilities. Trust and faith on a global level is trusting that the Universe and every experience that is presented to you; is always supporting you even if it may seemingly be dark at the moment.
Manifested your dream home? That’s the Universe supporting you.
Just saw your fiancé release some deep, dark, energetic entities? That’s also the Universe supporting you.
This experience reminded me again of this pendulum we call balance in life; in which the pendulum will always be swinging from one polarity to the other always presenting to you exactly what it is that you need to learn moment by moment.
It is really our job to be open to the messages that present itself to us. EMBODY them. Life’s treasures are hidden amongst these myriad of experiences. You probably came into this article, curious to learn more about Molly as a medicine; but I hope you take from this article that whatever calls you is exactly what you need for yourself.
Whether that is MDMA, mushrooms, San Pedro, ayahuasca, etc, or whatever it may be, when used intentionally; you’ll always be shown the path.
I want to take a final moment to express gratitude for the relationship I have with my fiancé. Five years ago when we first met, if you were to tell me I would be doing these types of experiences to evolve and expand our capacity to love one another and ourselves on a deeper level; I would have never believed it. It is our willingness to both commit to this spiritual love journey together that has made us a powerful team in our relationship, in our finances and in both of our businesses. Therefore, I encourage any couple who is committed to their love on a deep soulful level to trust in what’s calling you at the moment.
In Devotion,
Kristen